When Parenting no longer looks like Parenting! Getting your child ready for College using an Adult-Adult Relationship.

Children grow up.  It’s a fact of life.  Children eventually become adults and the rules of the game change, or do they?  For some parents, your daughter/son may need protection, guidance, or motivation to make progress.  There comes a point, however, when these children, as adults, need to be treated like just another adult.

Most of their lives, children seek advice, look for direction and require support from parents when making decisions.  As a parent, that role is so critical.  Educationally, the federal policies (FERPA) even designate that parents must be part of any academic decisions up through senior year of high school.  So does that mean parents HAVE to do everything until then?  Well, once that student enrolls in college, game over!  Parents need to exit stage left, and quick.  The same federal policy that states parents must be involved until a certain point in time with their child’s educational planning, then states that the only person making educational decisions in college is the student themselves.  No parents, no spouses, and no significant others matter at that point.  Got it?  That means the child you protected for so long now has to fend for her or himself.  Are these students ready if parents have done everything for them until that point? No!  What can be done?

During the high school years, parents can slowly move out of the driver’s seat and let students take control of that steering well.  There may be an accident or two along the way, but they have an insurance policy at this point, as mom, dad or a guardian are there to teach them how to manage and learn from the challenges and let them know it’s going to be OK, you can DO IT!  No longer is it a Parent-Child relationship.  You are beginning to move towards an Adult-Adult relationship.  If a student’s first experience of self-reliance is their first semester of college, then be aware that managing all that freedom could go in many different and sometimes dangerous directions.  Having freedom in a safer environment first makes it easier on a student during the college years, so affording them some freedom to make their own informed decisions in high school is perfect.  Discuss the alternatives with them but know they have the driver’s license now and they are driving their car.  Let them be themselves.  Readiness for understanding how to manage freedom, making their own decisions, and letting them face any consequences is the essential key to success for emerging adults.

Think of your child as a friend or co-worker later on in their adolescence.  How would you have reacted if one of these individuals had a similar challenge?  When your child faces a problem, instead of being a parent, think of how you would respond if they were just someone in your life you knew and cared about, knowing they could make their own decisions instead of having you control the situation to protect them.  I get it, parents know better, but how do your children learn how to know better for themselves?  You’ll begin to see things differently if you treat them like just another grown up and in the end, help them learn about becoming a stronger adult.

Have you ever coached 11 crazy eight year olds? They are like college students!

I’ve spent the last seven months coaching my son’s soccer team.  Let it be known, I chose a career working with college students because I knew I did not have the patience to teach younger children.  I have learned a lot through this experience and boiling it down to the essentials, eight year olds and college students are essentially the same.  Here’s why:

• They have a tremendous amount of energy and desire for success.
• They can easily be distracted and their attention must be captured in order for them to be engaged.
• They must learn the importance of overcoming failure and not showboating success.
• They must learn to work together as a team, recognizing each other’s strengths in any group and trusting each other.

Well, these hyper eight year olds have taken one of the most challenging seasons and learned about themselves as individuals and as a team.  The result?  A 9-1 win in their first game of the spring season this weekend. The focus?  It was trust in each other, using resources and planning that creates opportunities for success.  The same approach can be used for coaching college students.

In academic coaching, we seek to identify where a student is at right now and engage them with resources or strategies that can take them to the next level.  Often times, it’s getting them to recognize that team that surrounds them and letting them know it’s ok to trust each other for support.  A college education is challenging, and as Sanford stated, learning can only occur when you balance that challenge with the appropriate level of support.  It’s a noteworthy occasion when this happens.  We, as academic coaches, have a responsibility to listen to a student’s story and provide them with the information and guidance to make a decision so they can take the next step towards success.  It is a huge responsibility.

I had my reservations about taking on some responsibility for coaching a soccer team of eight year olds.  Now, I am grateful for the gift of that experience.  I have learned that ALL students have the potential and it is amazing when an engaged, purpose driven and communal experience begins to make an unachievable dream a reality. 

To my son Ethan, keep kicking!  Coach knows you're doing your best and you are doing great!

Educators without Borders

Have you ever read the charter for Doctor’s without Borders?  Neither had I until I came across it today.  It was the perfect piece of writing to focus some of my frustrations with the current issues facing readiness for college. It goes on to say that staff of the organization “provides assistance to populations in distress, to victims of natural or man-made disasters and to victims of armed conflict. They do so irrespective of race, religion, creed or political convictions.”  So I thought, some of the most educationally disadvantaged populations in our society are in distress, dealing with man-made disasters of the mind, and face conflict, at times with very tragic consequences.

One of the sources of my frustration came from reading about a high school teacher’s concern with how unprepared students are for college.  Bernstein retired and was compelled to share with college professors that students making their way to college were not ready.   He shares, “I would like to believe that I prepared them to think more critically and to present cogent arguments, but I could not simultaneously prepare them to do well on that portion of the test and teach them to write in a fashion that would properly serve them at higher levels of education.”  They are victims, taught to process, do piece work and become skilled at test-taking.  One could suggest they are now programmed robots.  What to do?

In reading Seth Godin’s recent blog post on “those people,” again I was also reminded that there are some leaders in higher education who believe they know it all.  A community college administrator shares that many seeking an accessible community college education, or "those people," will only end up with blue collar jobs, mopping floors, flipping burgers and asking “can I take your order?”  In essence, they won’t make it in college. Really?  Seth was right on in addressing her directly.  You never know when one of those individuals, when given an educational opportunity, will discover the cure for cancer, revolutionize how we interact or better yet, just aid a fellow human in need.  We all have biases, but we need to be aware of them and work through them.  As Educators without Borders, we should connect with future college students regardless of race, religion, creed, political conviction or perceived skill level. 

We have a responsibility to help students discover who they are, identify their talents and strengths and encourage them to use their minds in ways that will improve society.  Much of this preparatory work can be done during secondary education but education policy does not currently offer the environment for doing so.  We can get more technical regarding training and development for faculty and staff, but at its core, we just need to believe in the potential all students have for achievement through a college education.  We must prepare them for the challenges of critical academic and developmental experiences.  Let’s think outside the box and get students doing the same.  Educators without Borders will inevitably create Students without Borders, and a Society without Borders!

Confidence is Key!

College students face challenges and need to consider how to take steps towards success.  A recent piece written by Baker discusses the “soft skills,” or grit and determination that students need in order to succeed in college (see http://tinyurl.com/dylpcba).  It, however, goes further than just assisting students with developing these skills.  It’s also about instilling in them the confidence to take that leap and push through.

I worked with a first year in his first semester.  We connected at an advising session and it was clear he had many questions.  As the first in his family to go to college, how to navigate this experience and negotiate all this freedom was clearly a lot to take on.  I offered to help and he accepted.  He listened to advice and made an informed decision about how to organize his time.  As an advisor, it became my responsibility to teach him about strategies to succeed, and also let him know HE was in control.  I could only provide him the opportunity to learn but it was his responsibility to put decisions into action.  I also assured him HE COULD DO IT.  That ability to assert for a student that they are capable is KEY.  You can, you will, and he certainly did.  Heading into finals, he has knocked out several lingering assignments, is ahead of schedule with paper writing and is starting to square away his study schedule for final exams.  It may have helped to discuss strategies but it was more important to assure him that he had the ability to JUST DO IT.

As parents and educators, we must provide students with the freedom to choose and all the necessary information for them to make a decision.  We can serve as external guides to the process, but ultimately must place the decision in their hands.  Empowering them is essential.  Through the process of empowering, students can develop self confidence that affords them the ability to persevere through difficult situations.  Whether they succeed or fail, they know they have made the decision and are capable of doing so again.  In many cases, it can be as simple as instilling that confidence in them to ask for help from available resources, like faculty, advisors, tutors, peers... the list goes on and on.

So go out there… teach students about the freedom they have, the ability they have to make informed choices, and the realities of facing those consequences, whether good or bad.  The growth and learning that occurs through this process will enable them to be more confident.  Ideally, instilling some of this thinking prior to their college career would certainly better support them in their unique transition to higher learning.

College Readiness begins NOW!

Think back to your first few days of college.  Were you ready?  Maybe you were, maybe you weren’t.   In either case, it can be an uncertain venture and one that presents some additional challenges for many first generation college-goers.

The reality is that a variety of students from different experiences are pursuing a college education.  One could say it is almost expected for recent generations of high school graduates to go to college and it is important to recognize that it does afford students with greater employment opportunities.  83% of future jobs will require some level of higher education but what happens when students are unable to access the necessary college education.  Or even if they have access, many of them do lack the essential skills for achieving college success.  We, as educators (parents included) have a responsibility to develop students for future opportunities in both employment and society.  There are many ideas for addressing college readiness and now is the time to take action.

On a more personal note, I have started this blog for several reasons.  First and foremost, it is because of my commitment to ensuring any student have the opportunity to access higher education and succeed in attaining some academic credential that suits them, whatever that may be.  This primary goal will continue to drive my research, learning and sharing.

Some other motivating factors include:

·         Having a dissertation to write on the issue of college readiness and it’s been going nowhere fast.

·         Participating in a College Readiness Conference today that inspired me to take action.

·         Feeling compelled to share what I learn with others, so that collectively we can develop educated citizens who actively participate in our global society.

Future posts will include specific topics directly related to college readiness and college success.  Some might be tangential in nature.  No matter what, I hope to share important information that aids in the preparation of future college students, especially those from underserved populations.  These individuals have the most to gain from higher education.  Creating opportunities to foster college readiness will not only help those in most need of it, but we as a collective society will certainly benefit as well.